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 A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

 

        

I've made some pretty nice windows...how about someone make me a door.

Well, that was fun, i was able to sleep without reoccurring nightmares for about three months there. but they're back. five six times a week i dream about my ex-wife. I am clearly not past the divorce. when i'm awake and i think about it i'm filled with guilt, and dwell on how stupidly i acted, when i'm asleep i'm pissed at her for all of her foolishness.

well this is natural, it's natural to be torn about something like this

yeah? here's the problem i haven't even seen the broad in almost a year. the last i heard from her was a phone call saying she was moving to DC in august. i never called back. what's the point? so we can exchange some bullshit and never see each other again. i don't need that. besides i see her all the time, anytime i go to sleep it's even odds i'll run into her.

how long can this go on before i really start coming unglued. in all seriousness...how long can you have dreams over and over again about pain and loss involving one person before you start to lose your grip on reality? It's been years. it's not getting better. I can't afford a shrink...not a good one. I may have to check myself in somewhere once all this promoting and unveiling is done. This effects everything i do...well not everything, it doesn't effect my work, that's all instinct or honed skill, i'm like a boxer and when the bell rings i just go and destroy, and when the bell rings again i stop and go home to an empty apartment.

that's a bleaker picture than my life really is i suppose. I have a great job, great friends, my life is exciting. the problem is i don't want it. I want stability, i want kids, i want to be a husband again. i was on the right track for a couple of years but it went to hell and here i am, i'm a living character actor. this is a bunch of shit. i'm going to be 37. a 37 year old divorced guy...is there anything more ordinary and morose at the same time? I used to be more than this, i used to be a husband. a crappy husband, but a husband. but again ...nothing in my life is bad really. there is nothing you could point out and say...yep that's why he killed himself. but i had something so good. so good and i fucked it up. and she fucked it up. and why can't i just move on? why can't i just shed the block and move forward.

are these dreams about something else...is it my biological clock ticking? is it my own dissatisfaction with not being a dad and a husband...and my subconscious is just using her as a symbol...fuck if i know. i know i miss her. i know i don't need horrible dreams 5 nights a week to remind me i miss her, or remind me i want a family. so what the fuck is the point? why won't they stop? am i supposed to be doing something? am i missing something, is my subconscious so pissed at me it wants me to suffer?

can it be that the connection we had really was that profound, that when we said "i do" that it was genuine down the our souls. maybe but then why isn't she going through this? maybe she has a cleaner conscious about it, or maybe she's just shallow, or maybe she's a grown up and knows how to move on. Maybe it was just that profound in me, but then that isn't genuinly profound is it? there are times during the day when i'm working on something or watching something or doing something and i can hear in my head what she'd be saying. it's not my fault i'm coming unglued. i'm not picking at a scab, it's being picked at when i'm sleeping.

i can't think of anything i wouldn't do to be able to go back and act differently from the minute we moved here. and i can't be sure anything would have helped, and i think those two people that we were are probably long gone. and this feeling in my gut everyone i wake up from one of the dreams is unbearable. and no one ever taught me how to move on and no one ever taught me how to forgive and forget and no one ever taught me that there is such a this as being to hard on yourself and fuck...you ever been haunted by someone who's not dead?

 

comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

myspace.com/douglasarseniclullaby

www.arseniclullabies.com


 

 

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