A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

The key...is not to panic.

  I've come to the conclusion that, the superficial surface changes i'm making are not doing much to overshadow my deafening "i'm not one of you" vibes that i'm giving off to my fellow man.  while my apartment is cleaner and has less weapons on the wall, I've only replaced them with pictures that are no less strange.  truth be told i don't really own anything that i could arrange a room around and seem like an ordinary guy.  it would take a lifetime to take all the army surplus, 50 year old estate sale items, art work, and out of print books of various titles that cry "i'm crazy", and replace them with with dvd box sets of family guy, nice furniture, matching dishes, posters of cars, and a stereo that doesn't work off of tubes.  in a brief epiphany i remembered i don't want any of that shit, and why would i put up a poster of a 69 charger when i can just as easily hang up a PIECE of a 69 charger.  fuck it, so i seem a little crazy...i'm in my thirties and any woman who's my age and single well...beggars can't be choosers, men age better then woman, i don't have any kids, so... my stock just keeps going up.

Plus at some point..."to thy own self be true"...or am i just rationalizing falling of the wagon?

They say that if a girl is abused as a child or has an alcoholic Dad, then that's what she'll be attracted to when she grows up...and for her own good she should avoid relationships with people she's attracted to.  So...if i'm attracted to artisty unique women and it never seems to work out logic seems to point to me avoiding those types of women, which means attracting women who are stable, normal...which means changing quite a bit.  or at least changing things like my apartment and my normal attire.  

But then again...how many relationships go bust anyway.  a lot of them.  most of them.  every relationship is either a rebound or a dead end except for the last one.  so maybe i'm changing my approach for nothing and hamstringing myself even more by looking outside of my normal wheelhouse.  

It occurred to me recently too that we spend (by we i mean 75% of us) spend the majority of our lives trying to unlearn what life taught us when we were children.  You know, the trauma, or the number that our parents did on us.

My mom, out of the blue has been trying to set me up with blind dates.  Which i find odd and a little irritating.  She did a number on me growing up, well meaning of course but most of the reason i struggle with not being afraid to be happy can be traced to her.  I'd really like to sit her down and say "hey...if you wanted to make sure i didn't die alone you're about 30 years late to jump into that struggle."  but...what's the point of that?  She did her best to raise a child that could not have been more different from her if he was dropped off from a space ship.  no sense in digging into her about anything now.

But her choices are making me lean towards continuing to date the type of girl i normally date.  She's picking ordinary girls with ordinary lives and interests and personalities. which...seems ill advised.  i'm not exactly a plug in and go type of personality.  I've been able to drive women nuts who were looking for a weirdo.  i mean...i'm a handful sometimes ya know?  and i don't think growing up in the suburbs and thinking network sitcoms are funny is going to give you the tools you need to deal with me on a regular basis. I'm basically a ten year old who is smart enough to convince you that you are wrong for expecting him not to act like a ten year old.  

I need someone who's been down that road already and can put me in my place when the need arises.  Someone who freaks out because i have a gas mask collection is probably not going to be suited for that.  OR maybe i need someone who is going to be freaked out because i have a gas mask collection.  i truely don't know.  AND i'm confident that i'm not going to be able to figure that out on my own. 

I suppose i'll just take what comes and hope for the best.

comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

myspace.com/douglasarseniclullaby

www.arseniclullabies.com