A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

Apparently I bummed everybody out with my last blog, even got an e-mail from a concerned fan that was worried I was “contemplating suicide.”

This puts me in a box, since I spend part of last week bitching that people don’t understand that these blogs are true and written by an actual person…but look, also remember that this isn’t the only thing that went on in my day, and whatever I write about isn’t the only thing I’m dwelling on.  This blog is whatever is going on at the time that I think is the most interesting to read.   And so that bit of personal pain…while profound and interesting wasn’t the only thing going on, The brewers also won that day so it was a wash.

Then I started thinking though about suicide.  Why Haven’t I killed myself yet?  Lord knows there have been days I would have rather ended it all.  many days.  Working in a creative field is – to paraphrase my friend Josh-long stretches of heartache and aggravation with the occasional happy moment.  You pour your blood sweat and tears into creating something and often times that thing you created is watered down or mis-interpreted or roadblocks are put up between it and people seeing it.  i.e. stores who won’t order it, readers who can’t figure out how to get it, readers who miss the point of it (not always their fault by the way that they don’t get the joke…when you don’t have sound or motion it becomes very difficult to get the gag across) But also, and you other creative types can back me up on this one,  Possibly the most aggravating thing is when you see someone else who flat out sucks…get a break/have something go there way…while you, even though you are more skilled, talented, ad have a superior product by any level of measure…get the shit end of the stick.

You take all that and add it to the normal trials and heartaches of life and I now wonder why I haven’t killed myself.  So I’ve been contemplating suicide…NOT contemplating committing suicide…see the difference…nobody call the psych ward…im thinking about the SUBJECT.

I’m pretty religious and while I’m not sure that killing yourself sends you right to hell, I’m pretty sure that a grand designer of the universe would take some offense to YOU deciding when you get to check out and not him.  Especially in my case where everything is in all likelihood leading up to some ridiculous painful and probably publicly viewed death.  My life I’m sure is a big, Rube Goldberg like series, of fateful events leading up to a grand finale and why ruin that.   But even before I get that deep into a reason not to, there is an even more logical surface reason.  

i'm also not one of those people who say all life is precious and no one should kill themselves.  no...there are plenty of people who should kill themselves.  people who fuck up OTHER peoples lives ON PURPOSE. child molesters, city government officials, meter maids, cops who pull people over for meaningless crap, communists, these all are equally, by my estimation, people the world could do without....no...i would say that the child molester is worth slightly more than the others...slightly... if you molest a child you are still worth more than a meter maid. you are creating a job for a therapist and helping the economy, as opposed to the meter maid who is taking money out of the economy (confiscating it for the government who will use it to put a ankle bracelet on the child molesters who should be in jail but have been paroled thanks to a public defender who is paid...once again...with confiscated money)   

There are jobs where I think wanting to have that job should disqualify you; like being president.  The ego involved in thinking you should run the free world is probably not going to be able to utilize that power with any moderation…and even wanting to be a low level politician should disqualify you from being a low level politician.  An alderman really only has the power to screw with people who clearly want to be left alone.  Some guy with his lawn overgrown and no paint on his house clearly does not want to be part of the community and fucking with that guy it’s really the only power an alderman welds.  And so you shouldn’t be alderman if you are looking forward to doing that.  Only an asshole would want some jobs, and so no one who wants them should get them. …Same goes for suicide. 

If you have reached the point where things are so bad, you have so little left to live for that you are okay with ending it all…there is no reason to end it all.  You are basically FREE to do anything you want because your life’s a mess anyhow.  what do you honestly have to worry about once you've reached the point of suicide?  you have no responsibilities, because you have declared yourself so unable to handle them that things would be better with you dead right? right!  so...you're free. What could possibly happen tomorrow, what could you possibly have left to screw up?  You might as well hang around and just enjoy the mess.  It’s like being in the fourth quarter and being behind by 40 points and wanting to forfeit the game.  Why bother? Your going to lose either way…you might as well just enjoy playing the rest of the game, have fun, maybe you pull off some really cool trick play or get to injure someone.  Think about it, you are at rock bottom at that point…so …who cares?  Sit your ass on the couch and flip through some channels.  Wander over to the store and load up on junk food.  

I’m not one of those guys who’s gonna blow sunshine at you and say, “hey, you never know, maybe tomorrow your whole life changes” although that is possible. I’m saying you’re fucked …so what? Embrace the ridiculous failure your life has become.  You’re at the bottom, you can’t fall any farther...and if it IS possible to fall farther why not just hang in there to see how? People act like the whole world is watching them fail.  The whole world is way to concerned with their own problems to even notice.  You lose your job, you ruin a marriage, you screw up somehow…BFD. 

and let's say maybe in the course of ruining your life, you screwed up someone else's life or let someone down, or hurt someone.  well...it was an accident right? or...charma...did you ever think maybe THEY deserved it? i mean, if you are at this point, you probably have been making a mess of things for awhile now, so it's their fault for believing in you.  if someone bets on the cubs to win the world series and lose all their money it's not the cubs fault...everyone knows they suck. they haven't won a world series in over 80 years. in fact their belief in you may have been the added pressure that you just couldn't handle.  

  And often times people spend way too much time worrying about how the next shoe is gonna drop. the anticipation puts them over the edge.  You are the only one who knows the other shoe is gonna drop…you can sit back, have a drink and say “watch this…this is gonna be good”.  I think logically more people should kill themselves when they are on top because there are a million things now that can go wrong.  But when you are on the bottom and your life is crumbling around you, hell, you really can just go about your daily business without a care.  Go get a donut…your wife is gone, she took the kids, a tornado destroyed your house, you dreams where all shattered, you didn’t live up to some expectation or another, someone close to you died…feh, more donut for you.  

And lastly…if you are to the point of suicide…it’s usually because of a series of bad decisions on your part or at least decisions, while not bad, still lead you into a shitstorm of some sort…so are you really the type of person who should be making another big decision? no.  I would say if you’re still thinking about suicide you should not rely on your own clearly flawed decision making but find someone who is a winner and ask them if you should kill yourself.  I’m not kidding.  They are winners and make good decisions.  More than likely they will see you are desperate and use you.  Give you a crappy job, set you up with their ex-girlfriend who won’t leave him alone, maybe put you in charge of some rental property they don’t want to deal with and them there you are…you have a job, home, wife. and then you'll realize how good you had it when you where a failure. 

comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

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