A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

wait a minute...i hate this show

Theres a couple of shows on the history channel i've been watching lately that i just realized i hate.  there's something about the history channel...something about the pacing and the way each show is really two shows, by that i mean there is the learning aspect of it and the personalities involved, they draw you in even though...after actually thinking about it...they kinda suck.

let me start with "american pickers"  this is about two guys who own a resale business of some sort who drive around and look for antiques and collectable junk.  they for the most part drive around the back roads of rural communities until they see a old barn that looks like it's full of crap, they roust the 80 year old farmer out of bed sift through his stuff and buy the valuables...old signs, old lamps, old bikes, that sort of thing.  

i went from just watching this show, to watching the show wondering if the two guys were gay, to watching the show convinced the two guys were gay and looking for more evidence of that, to watching the show and wondering why i ever thought they might not be gay, to watching the show and being really uncomfortable because they don't realize the whole world knows they are gay...and perhaps they don't know they are gay, to watching the show wondering if i seem gay and don't realize it...i have all sorts of old crap...i've been known to look through an old barn or a pile of junk and bring home a "collectable"...i think to myself "do i have a fat squat buddy that i bicker with like an old married couple?...that i touch a lot and the quickly pull away from when i remember there is a camera present?"  i'd like to think that if i was gay i could do better than either of these guys.  i'm NOT crossing the gender barrier for some goof who digs through other peoples garbage i'll tell you that much.  that's a lateral move at best.  no sir.  i would need like a rich plastic surgeon or something.  after some thought i realize that i am safely in the realm of not gay based on a parade of relationships that where ruined with the heavy handedness that only straight people can produce.  Anyway every episode is the same and the two guys are trying really hard to seem interesting and hip but really as far as homosexuals contributing to art, culture, and the world of antiques they really are at the ass end of things. so...that show sucks.  In fact at this point i only watch it to try to see a fleeting moment that the editor missed of them holding hands, so i can jump up point and go AH HAAA!

which is all really hypocritical on my part as i always bitch about how gay people can't shut up about how they are gay.  I always gripe about how some gay people seem to define themselves by their gayness, like being gay is a hobby they can't shut up about.  like their gay nerds.  and yet here are two guys who are clearly gay and simply not mentioning it and going about thier jobs...and i'm focusing on whether or not their gay...am i a hypocrite there or is it a matter of the other side being right and dramatically "coming out of the closet" actually being an important thing.  i dunno but seems to me a show about two grown me looking for antiques shouldn't leave you wondering who is and isn't gay...no wait actually...now that i think about it a show about two grown men looking for antiques SHOULD come right out and say -gay or not gay_ because otherwise any reasonable person is going to spend the half hour wondering because...it's a show about two grown men looking for antiques.

they should have a cameo on the show -reduo my wardrobe- or whatever it's called with the bitchy brunette and the grey haired gay guy.  he could give them some tips on being gay but not creepy, while re-doing their look, cause for gay dudes they really dress like crap, they dress like gay men trying to look like average straight guys.  which is actually in and of itself pretty funny.  THAT would be an entertaining show "try to look straight".

then there is "pawn stars" where people BRING their used crap to a pawn shop owned by a family of fat oafs. again...every episode is the same and the thing i realize that i hate about it is the owners themselves...again the concept falls short because the personalities are not fun to watch.  now i don't mind someone being rich and profiting off of others misfortune,  and i don't mind someone being fat, AND i don't mind someone walking around like they have 40 pounds of lead in their ass and they've been dragging it around for 12 miles...you know the sort of fat, swinging the legs sideways and forward instead of just forward while the shoulders are slumped and the head is slouching to one side...you know the walk i'm talking about?  well i really don't mind that, BUT when you are rich from other peoples misfortune, and fat, and walk like you have 40 pounds of lead in your ass...it makes me want to set you on fire.  so...i hate that show too.  I almost forgot the patriarch of the family owned pawn shop is a 100 year old fat guy who can bearly see, bearly walk, it seems like he struggles to sit upright, and yet for some reason he drags himself into the shop every day and bitches about how they don't make enough money, which as i describe it seems like it could be funny...but it's actually just sad and annoying.  One thing is sure...these guys are all straight.  how do i know?  there are no women around.  no...hear me out.  they are fat, lazyish, basically slovenly and unattractive, now...if they where gay, they have all sorts of female friends coming in to get deals on jewelry, but fat unattractive straight guys often give off a vibe, a pheromone of desperation, that ward women off, like a dog whistle that only they can hear.

in any case i can't stop watching either of those shows.

Bear, the star of "man vs wild" insists on taking his pants off every episode so i don't watch that anymore...but  i bet the stars of american pickers do.  heh heh. 

seems like basic cable viewing is pretty bleak right? WRONG because MISTERRRRR KENNEDYYYYYY...ops wait, he had to change his stage name for legal reasons... ehm...MISTERRRR ANDERSONNNNNN......ANDERSONNNN has returned to the ring!  no not MMA,  TNA wrestling on Thursdays.  this guy is an absolute SCREAM!  he could be a comedic villain in any movie, seriously, you're talking to someone who knows comedy and this guy is great.  he was a second string, sometimes first string wrestler in WWE until he got booted or his contract ran out or who knows what but i loved watching him then and he hasn't lost a step in the 6 months he was waiting for the "non compete" clause to expire so he could work for someone else. 

Like a friend of mine said, "he starts taking shit when the bells rings and doesn't stop until he is all the way back up the ramp."

make an effort to watch TNA i think it's on spike, at least watch until Mr. Anderson is done, you won't be sorry.

so if you're searching through basic cable for a show that doesn't seem like it's programmed for the gay community i recommend watching a half naked guy wrestle another half naked guy...hmm. uh oh.  

comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

myspace.com/douglasarseniclullaby

www.arseniclullabies.com