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"One time at band camp..." OR "i'm going to have alot of explaining to do when i'm dead "


I don't mean when i get to the pearly gates...i mean...because of what they'll find in my apartment and more damning- on my person.


i walk around alot, which i shouldn't do even though my interaction with the rest of the world makes for entertaining reading. while i'm walking pick things up alot.  i'm like a child in a way, i see a picture on the ground and i pick it up and look at it, i find a note and i take it home and read it, AND when i was married if i found a half smoke cigarette...i'd take that home and have a merry argument with my wife about whether or not i should smoke it.  " cigarette" would be my side of the discussion.  you single people need to understand that a significant portion of your day is doing things that will mortify your spouse...this isn't just a divorced guy talking...all married guys do it in their own way.  maybe to keep things fresh, maybe as a form of passive aggression, maybe it's just the four year old in us who wants to throw a bug at the girl next to us so she screams...i don't know why we do it really, but we do.

by the way i also pick up bugs once in awhile to throw at children.  although lately i have just been stepping on them or picking them up and drop kicking them into the street.  i don't know why and when i have time to go to a shrink i'm sure it will unlock some dark passage.  i do know it makes me laugh out loud especially when they are big and i can watch them go WAYYYY high in the air...see ya gotta kick them straight up, if you kick for distance it's not as gratifying when you think of the shock and bewilderment of the bug.  i bet it feels like they are up there forever...and i like to think they are looking at the oncoming traffic they may encounter on the way down.  but really just the image of it sailing up into the air is what cracks me up.

i'm not painting a very good picture of myself am i?  and that's me explaining imagine one day when they find my dead body and the contents of my pockets are - a note from some junior high student, a caterpillar, and picture of someone else's kids birthday party, and a cigarette with lipstick on it.


hopefully I'll be dead and not in a coma with a plain clothed officer reading the paper outside my hospital room waiting for me to wake up.

having said all that and knowing that some of you actually think enough of me to assume i am making all this up i have scanned in the most recent letter i found on the ground...


how about that handwriting first off!?  who slants their letters backwards?! this is either the zodiac killer or someone with an ear infection. the grammar and lack of periods make for challenging reading.  and i'm a little confused as to who this person is in relation to "johnny"...reader or the recipient...but the best is the KAPOW ending...where after the 2 page lecture the reader is thanked for loaning the person money. Tell me that wasn't a twist of and ending worth being seen picking up trash?! It's fun to read this stuff and try to decipher who's the bigger jackass and what exactly is going on.  the thing that should send shivers up your spine is not that people like me are out there reading garbage that has blown away...but that THESE TWO PEOPLE'S VOTES COUNT AS MUCH AS YOURS OR MINE!  and of course we will be paying for their health care.



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