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 A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

 

This can only lead to more flies

 

Okay, it's monday, time for a new Blog...

Blogs are tough when you have other deadlines going on. First i don't have time for well thought out blog and TWO i'm not leaving the house and getting into the normal irritating trouble that you all love so much.

the only contact i've really had with the outside world lately has been the six thousand flies that are in the back yard because of the pear tree. I rent see, otherwise i would have cut that fucker down two years ago. AND since i rent it's not really my job to clean up all these pears. I've done it in the past out of shear need to not have six thousand flies in the back yard...which ultimately end up in my apartment. flies are tricky see and even six thousand stupid flies will eventually figure out how to get in. so this year i decided i'm NOT cleaning them up. Either the new guy living downstairs will clean them up (i live in a duplex, in case you are new here) or the neighbor who is a total knob will call the alderman and complain and the landlord will get yelled at and hire some stupid kid to do it.

nope and no...

The new guy is spending his time repainting the hallway, and for some reason the neighbor has given up complaining...

there are SO MANY flies it's ridiculous. when i go through the back yard it's like i'm in a fly snow storm. and it's actually LOUD. Like i mean LOUD. the buzzing is almost defining. it's like some sort of horror movie, i expect to find the rotting bodies of three slain hitchhikers when i swat my way past the flies.

and yet...NO ONE is doing anything about it. The fuckin neighbor who has called the alderman on me for everything from the garbage cans being to close to his garage to whether or not i can weld in my garage, has not complained, even though the pears are landing in his yard and the flies HAVE to be ruining his little barbeque parties.

perhaps i've been too effective other the years in responding to his complaints. perhaps i have been so effective at being a jackass in response that he'd rather deal with the flies than whatever i'll do in retaliation to his complaining to the alderman. (last time he complained about the pears i took the lawn mower and ran over them - spraying the pear shrapnel into his yard.)

whatever the case, now i am stuck. i have no time to clean up the pears that literally cover every square inch of the back yard ( the pear tree is three stories high...it's the biggest pear tree i've ever run across). i've done pretty good about keeping them out of the apartment, but every once in awhile one gets in. usually a BIG one. a big one that was still buzzing very LOUD ...apparently he either went deaf from all the other buzzing or was just used to having to buzz that loud to be heard in the chaos of the back yard. i had a conversation with the last one that entered.

what are you doing in here? there are three stories of pears outside...stay out there and eat.

wheeze (leaning against a cereal box) i. ..i know buddy but ...i'm going to eat myself to death. look at me, i'm a mess, i eat anymore pears i'm gonna get mistaken for a grape.

then don't eat any.

I CAN"T STOP ...i'm a fly! i run on instinct...wheeze...if i see food i gotta eat it. (wiping sweat from his brow) look it me, i'm sweating talking to you...you know in high school i was half this size. (grabbing his stomach) i look like hell.

well you can't stay here

how's about you do me a favor huh, AND CLEAN UP THE PEARS!

nope, not my job, let the guy downstairs do it.

HE"S NOT GOING TO DO IT! just be the bigger person and clean em up huh? my wife all over me about my weight.

well...your marriage is still intact so you're one up one me. see i had a wife and then...

UGH, i can't listen to this again! your marriage is over, DEAL with it!

but i have these dreams all the time...

look...buddy...just clean up the pears.

you clean them up.

I'M A FLY!

well, there is ALOT of you, you could team up and carry them off one by one...

(fly looking at me with the "dealing with you is exhausting" expression...a look i have received from countless relatives, friends, and love interests)...i'm gonna go find some dog crap.

and that was my conversation with the last fly that entered ...actually that's not how it went...it went more like this.

"GAH! ANOTHER FUCKING FLY!!! (GRABBING A ROLLED UP PAPER) DIE! DIE YOU BASTARD! (SWINGING WILDLY) DIE!

Buzzz

DIE DIE (still swinging)

Buzzzzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz (landing on a window)

HA! (CRASH!)

I put the fly, the rolled up paper and my hand through the window. no lie.

so...that's a problem.

omments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

myspace.com/douglasarseniclullaby

www.arseniclullabies.com


 

 

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