A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

Hooleee shi... or the day the assholes left.

Well last week was glorious.  The sheriffs came and made the people downstairs go away forever.  It was a photo finish because the dumb broad knew she had to be out and that they were coming and yet...that very morning a t.v. was blaring the kid was running around screaming, they where acting as if it were any other day.  they had moved some of their shit out earlier, most notably they moved their 2000.00 plasma big screen t.v. into a 50.00 mini van with a spare tire on the front...that image really sums up their entire existence.  the kid has no clothes, the dumb broad lives off the state and child support and yet she treated herself to the best in home entertainment.

i knew she wouldn't be staying long without the BIG t.v. and yet...i still worried that she'd drag this out weeks or months.  

but then i watched out my window as she loaded bags of shit into a compact car on the day of her "removal", and i prayed that she would be around long enough for the sheriffs to arrive...just for the fun of it.  

sure enough...they pulled up while she was still packing.  they pulled up with some help from independent contractors whose job it is to remove whatever is left in the house the moment the eviction notice is taped to the door.  it brought back memories, as for a time i had that very job.  we'd show up change the locks, board up the windows, remove all the crap (take anything worthwhile) and have a good laugh.  nice to know some things never change.  i could hear the laughter and mocking comments as they hauled out her remaining furniture and belongings to the curb.

She tried to put up a good front by telling them she wanted to move anyhow because the rent was to high...she claimed to be paying 1000.00 a month.  a lie that is only topped by the time she told the cops she had the music turned up full blast because she was born with no eardrums and had trouble hearing...she even poured out some fake tears in regards to her disability.

well now she can take the money she'll be saving to replace all this crap.

i was given the keys and out of morbid curiously i went down to survey the battleground.

i knew they were scumbags and yet she put on such a show, such airs of pompousness that she wasn't a scumbag, that i was the asshole...that until i walked through the door some pangs of doubt were in my head. "maybe i was sort of an ass" "maybe i started things off on the wrong foot and things escalated because i set the ball rolling" ...perhaps...just perhaps...they weren't as ad as i made them out to be.

i walked through the door...

good...lord...

these people lived like animals.  the kid a scrawled what in his language were no doubt cries for help in black crayon on every wall and surface he could reach.  wild black spirals that looked like someone set Michael j fox loose with an etch-a-sketch decorated the entire apartment.  the tazmainian devil like swinging of the metal pipe he clamed as his toy had gouged holes in walls, dented the oven and refrigerator.  he had pulled open and jammed toys down a heating vent.  no doubt even his primitive brain knew that all of their things would be repossessed at some point and hoped to hide his fisher price cars, and torn stuffed animals from the white man.  one day i fear he will return for them. 

carpet was torn, flooring was pried up, and a stained glass cabinet was smashed.  funny thing about that. when i had this job we'd often see holes where cabinets once were and woodwork pried up and removed because even the lowest vilest hood rat knew that stained glass cabinets and old fashioned woodwork was worth money. they would steal it an sell it to less scrupulous home remodelers...who would sell the vintage accoutrements to wealthy people in the suburbs who wanted such a look in their prefab mansions.  even now i laugh to myself about yuppies paying top dollar for vintage cabinets and doorframes that would give their home it's finishing touches...oh look how homey...how quaint...did we forget to mention that someone smoked crack while leaning on it? and that they were resurfaced to hide the blood stains?  hiv, hepatitis, genera, lord knows what creepy crawlies called that countertop home at one point.  perhaps they survive there still under a sheath of lacquer...patiently waiting for it's gloss prison to wear away so they can be set free on your little precious, pressured, five year old beauty pageant contestant. it's inevitable really, she'll either get VD from the countertop OR years from now, rebelling against you and your great expectations she'll catch it from screwing the very children of the hood rats you unknowingly got the woodwork from.

back to my x-neighbors...they were too stupid to steal the stained glass cabinet, they just smashed it in. 

Predictably their pile of crap outside started getting rooted through and carried off by the local denizens. a glass end table went first, then a bookshelf...ha bookshelf.  they actually owned a bookshelf, can you beat that?!  conspicous by their absence where the books...no doubt the first editions of war and peace, no promises in the wind, to kill a mocking bird and the other great works were moved earlier along with the plasma t.v.

While i was down there i took a few pictures (see below) and got a phone call from the landlord.   I told him what went down and he was very distraught that the furniture had been removed (he has to pay for that service) AND was concerned that HIS futon that he left behind might be on the curb too.  he was worried about a futon...i...i didn't have the heart to say anything other than "uhm...the futon is still here".

"okay whew"

...

as i listened to him breath that sigh of relief i was surrounded by this

nothing like having broken glass laying around when you have a three year old.

no doubt this is his warning to others about the broken glass

let's play "what's under this tile?!"

let's play "start the oven on fire and put it out with a hammer!"

in MY episode of macguyver He would rush in to save the day by  combining  all these chemicals together and making  birth control pills.

this is her "watch the garbage" chair

speed holes!

what's in the vent?

toys of course!

...the most damning picture...X-mass decorations up...IN FEBUARY?! ...they're animals i tell ya...

and somewhere an Indian cried.  I'd like to show these pics to some Haitian kids...i bet they'd send US money.

can you believe they where HAVING SEX IN THAT PLACE?!!  wild animals in heat wouldn't be able to screw in that crap hole.  was this guy just wired backwards or what?  the broad is a fat annoying bitch missing teeth and the apartment is in shambles.  it's a scene that could only make you feel amorous in some bizarro superman world.

so...yesterday some poor bastart came in and started cleaning. Man, I'm glad i don't have that job anymore, it doesn't seem as funny now.  leastways not as funny as listening to him complain to himself. 

I'm think going to send these pictures to the guy who lives next to me who thinks I'M a lowlife because i don't have my garbage cans lined up in a row.  

                       comments? concerns?

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