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A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER
The Great Leotardus I often want to do a blog on airline travel and how much it sucks. During the experience...like if you pulled me right out of the airplane and put me in front of a mic or a computer, i could do a blog or podcast on it that would melt your computer. but the problem is one- airline travel, t.v. commercials, and clerks at the 7-eleven are the playground of bad stand up comics from the 80's...it's been done before very poorly a million times so just for dignities sake i stay away from it. but ALSO, by the time your done with the experience you're just broken and exhausted and glad it's over and don't give a shit to recount the tale. i could be pushed into a cage by a rep from delta airlines and gang raped by monkeys and by the time i got home i just wouldn't even bother mentioning it. it would just be another horrible thing that happened in the surreal nightmare world that you have to cross to get from one side of the country to the next. like being paddled across the river styx and the boatman is a retard. actually airline travel, now that i think about it, is like this- they needed something to be organized, efficient, and safe...so they got someone with OCD to develop the whole thing, but they got someone with OCD, who is also retarded. and he being retarded is used to NOT organizing important things, but organizing buttons that have fallen off of jackets, and he organizes them by the size of the holes not the size of the button, and he organizes them by color, but not the color of the button but in alphabetical order of the colors of the buttons. and he files them by grabbing them all in his meaty fist and throwing them all into a sack...and HE at any time could reach into that sack blindly and pull out the exact button he wants and when you can't do the same thing he's angry and frustrated and bites you in the face. he is the giant retard god of airline travel and he will smot you down whenever you attempt to use logic in his magical realm. poorly drawn lightning bolts come down on you from the sky and a gleeful yet angry wail can be heard as you pass the "security checkpoint" . . . that is the land airline travel. and apparently only two kinds of people venture through it. first, people who travel very very very very often and have figured out the retard gods ways and are now so used to it, so indoctrinated that they have become one with him, and are now also put off and angry that you have not "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE GREEN CARPET...BECAUSE IT LEADS TO THE DALY WING AND DAlLY'S PARTNER WAS BOB DEFOREST...HELLO! FORESTS ARE GREEN DUMBASS! GREEN CARPET...HELLO?!". The second are dumbasses usually with dumberass kids who are taking their once a decade leisure flight, have all day long to get where they are going and stop dead in the middle of everything to admire the pretty new inventions..."look honey they have t.v.s here now, look a mcdonalds right HERE in the airport, oh a metal wand is being shovel up my ass to see if i have a bomb way way way up inside my rectum...isn't this all just magical?" they like to walk slowly, looking up and around and hold hands creating a human bearer that clogs up and entire hallway. since airlines charge you for checked baggage now they also load their kids up like Tibetan sherpas and so the kid has to stop every two minutes to put down the 45 pound spongebob backpack that is full of his moms makeup, curling iron, air dryer and other things that COULD sort of look dangerous to security and there for needed to be pulled out and inspected... actually the tard gods realm starts before that, the security checkpoint is just the line of no return. the realm STARTS at check in where you have two lines that say "ticketing/check in" the first line leads you to a row of self check in computuer touch screens which use a different program every two weeks so it does you no good to memorize the procedure because by the time you come back it will be a different touch screen procedure. and actually after five years of trial and error they finally figured out to use a program that just searches for your flight info by your first and last name....five years it took them to do this...AND if you are checking baggage the whole touch screen is a waist of time because you have to wait for a clerk to give you a baggage sticker anyway. the second line leads you to a clerk who tells you to use the touch screen and just shout if you need help. if you need some service that the touch screen can't provide...which is why you went into the line with a clerk at the end of it, they send you to a different line. "well why don't you ask before you get into the line?" did i and they told me that the moon is white and jack white did a review of the airport in new orleans that this airport was modled after and that's why you get in the orange line if you need a later flight. JACK WHITE OWNS A ORANGE GROVE DUMBASS!!! did i mention that flights all leave at a certain time? they don't just wait for everyone who paid to get on board before they leave? Did i neglect to mention that as you picture the assholes who scold you for not knowing to follow the green carpet AND EVENTUALLY BEING wrong ANYWAY, the families holding up traffic to take a picture of the mcdonalds, the families holding up traffic because they dont know you can't bring a 12 inch scissors on board even if you where just going to use it for scrap booking...did i forget to mention that as the great retard god laughs and throws his buttons? no amount of time is early enough because the tard god won't intervene until the last minute anyway. and if you DO somehow get through all the bullshit and get to your flight you now get to partake in the greatest folly of all. the boarding of the assholes. they call for boarding...now your ticked will have a seat number on it. they call for boarding in groups say...seats 1 through 12...then after 3 minutes 12 through 24...now if you where a normal person outside the land of the tard god and your ticket said seat number 99...you would know that you have a while to wait and remain seated. that would only make sense...but woah is me! i hear the spit bubble of silent wheezing laughter from the tard god...in this land people with seat no.89 will get up with all their baggage and push their way to the front PAST people with seat no 25. and WITH ARM EXTENDED AND TICKET IN HAND...WAIT AS THOUGH THEIR SEAT IS ABOUT TO BE CALLED NEXT. and they do not create a line of dumbasses, no they created a clot, a wad, a hastily created barrier of humans children baggage and fat. so let's say you have seat number "last" or "120". they call people in groups of 12 every 3 minutes. that's ten groups, ten times three is 30 that means in about an half and hour or lets even say 45 minutes you should be able to pretty much stroll down the hallway and onto the plane. nope, you hand off the ticket ,turn into the hallway and walk smack dab into the same human barrier. it's as though the very first group still has not put their baggage up and all the other 119 passengers just mashed together in the hallway like wind up robot toys that hit a wall, and their arms and legs keep moving even though they are making no forward progress. why does it seem like that? becuase THAT WHAT HAPPENED!! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED! HA HA HAAA damn you tard god!!! AND IT HAPPENS EVERY FUCKING FLIGHT. IT HAPPENS EVEN THIRD PASSENGER OF EVERY FUCKING FLIGHT. HOW HARD IS IT TO TAKE YOUR COCKSUCKING ASS TO YOUR SEAT AND SHOVE YOUR FUCKING BAGS IN THE OVER HEAD COMPARTMENT? flamethrowers should fill the isle with molten phosperous every two minutes to get these fuckwads to understand that people are waiting behind them in a hot crowded isle. that way we wouldn't all have to wait becuase you, just now decided what you want to read and are digging it out of the bottom of your luggage, or while you let your little three year old struggle to take off her back pack full of YOUR SHIT "come on be a big girl...that's right...hand it to momma...hand it...good girl!...who's my good gir MOVE YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!! 119 PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO SIT DOWN! ...in cases like this there needs to be a worse word than "cunt" becuase "cunt" like asshole sort of implies aggression and malice and not just shear selfish oblivious stupidity. NOW...knowing that people are basically all selfish assholes who think the world revolves around them and their precious children...loading people from the BACK OF THE PLANE FIRST would seem like a logical way to do things. that way if the dumb whore wants to spend 15 minutes watching her precious little angel try to unzip her back pack on her own, it wouldn't hold up the rest of us. she is no.120 and no.119 can walk right to her seat and do the same thing and so on...but no, the tard god has deemed it that you must start with the front of the plane so if seat no.1 is the dumb whore passenger no.2 cannot get past to go to her seat nor can no.3 no.4 and so one. ...i won't bore you with my personal fiasco at the security checkpoint, i don't remember how many monkey dicks were inserted anyway...i will say this, they checked everything i had and my body six ways from sunday...BUT NEVER CHECKED UNDER MY HAT!!!!!! UNDER MY HAT!!! YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!! MY HAT! THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING COULD HAVE BEEN LINED WITH EXPLOSIVES AND I COULD HAVE HAD 4 BOOKS OF MATCHES UNDER IT. ASSHOLES!!!! I had a nice 6 hour layover in the worst airport there is (cleveland followed closely by minnesota) because president Obama had landed in air force one and that screwed everything up. Obama was there STILL trying to get his healthcare bill passed...because for some reason he wants healthcare to be run by the retarded god of the airports one eyed brother - the government. yes his one eye is squinting at obama to get it done while his meaty fingers fondle his own sack of buttons. . . . (you know...i honestly didn't start this blog thinking i would wrap everything up nicely into why the government shouldn't run healthcare...it just sort of happened, sometimes you get lucky perhaps it was saved charma from yesterdays travel)
comments? concerns? myspace.com/douglasarseniclullaby www.arseniclullabies.com
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