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A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

by popular demand...

And the subject most people wanted to hear me complain about was...a tie! ex-wife and kempos new boyfriend. Which is a shock to me frankly. i figured it would be the neighbors. But maybe you've all heard enough about them...and their anal indiscretions. Or maybe it’s not too surprising cause the blogs in which I am discussing personal things that make me sad seem to be the most popular, you people are sick ya know that? I’ll do the ex-wife first, kempo on Thursday.

so even though we live in the same city i haven't seen the broad (ex-wife) in literally four months. Every once in awhile i text her and tell her she has mail and make sure I’m not around when she picks it up. The last actual conversation i had with her was me saying i don't want to talk to you outside of a marriage counselor. Even as two divorced people all we do is drive each other crazy, we are not capable of fixing that on our own. let's fix it or be done with each other for good is my logic.

so...months pass. and i start to wonder if she heard the "without a marriage counselor" part and just heard the "i don't want to talk to you". certainly a large part of this is my own ego unable to grasp that someone would be just as happy not talking to me. the other part is that for the longest time it was her trying to get me to a marriage counselor.

so...either i called her bluff and she never wanted to go and just didn't want to look like the bad guy, or she changed her mind, or she's just stubborn and doesn't want to go now because it is my idea...that's about how mature we are in the presence of each other. i dunno... i realize now that i don't understand 95% of what went on while we were together and probably never will. life goes on. Except on my birthday recently she drops off a gift bag.

peace offering? is this an olive branch extended for the sake of being involved in each others lives again? or is it just her way of making sure i don't forget she exists, or possibly her way of keeping an option open, or just some silly mind game...her way of staying in the peripheral so that i don't get to completely move on. sounds silly and paranoid to say that but after all that is how some people are.

i call her up and ask what's the deal with the gift. she goes on and on (prepared for my quiery) about how it's no big deal and she was at the store anyway and yadda yadda yadda. now...who is she trying to lie to me or herself? you get a birthday gift for your ex-husband who you haven't seen in months...by your choice, and it's just...what? Happened to see a birthday bag and thought you'd drop it off?

who knows? she was certainly prepared for me to ask "what's the deal" and certainly didn't prepare any answer that is plausible. or maybe she is just truely that shallow that she didn't think dropping off a give to someone you were married to...had a rough divorce with...tried to get back together with...that failed and you haven't seen nor heard from in months was any bigger an event than leaving a Christmas card for the paper boy.

i went over this and tried to come up with a way where i am a dope and there is no reason i should think this is odd...but there is no way. this is odd and possibly an asshole move.

she has another batch of mail waiting for her...i put a change of address form on the top of it. enough’s enough. there is no reason for her to be getting mail at my house and i've let that go on long enough also. the problem may be that the first woman i fell in love with i dated off and on for 7 years and we were broken up or apart from alot of that time but always got drawn back to each other...so that is the template that i started out with. not a very healthy one...or at least no very practical. but it explains why i do things like...let her keep getting her mail at my house...an activity with no practical purpose other than for us to have some loose reason to bump into each other, and things like dwelling on a birthday bag. or dwelling on a marriage that fell apart years ago.

In my defense here...i don't like it when i can't figure things out. i dwell on them...so this birthday thing may be more like a crossword puzzel than me dwelling on something meaningful.

you know who would have been PERFECT to talk to about this? The divorced broad who contacted me a few months ago. she...being 1-insightful 2-smart 3-a woman who has dealt with divorce 4-someone who knows me and my tendencies 5-completely un biased since she wasn't around for the ugliness. SHE would have been the perfect person to talk to about this. so why didn't i? Because, I couldn’t, i don't have her phone number and certinally wasn't going to talk about this sort of thing via e-mail (yes yes the irony of me discussing it here is dually noted)...she’s never around when you need her. she was perfectly willing to pour her heart out and say personal stuff on an e-mail but didn't send a phone number? odd yes? shaddy maybe...except...we aren't dating, if i call and some strange dude answers what do i care? in any case, she got advice and consoling and support from me (that may or may not have helped) and when she got her feet steady again...that was that. off she bounced back into the forest completely oblivious to the fact that i might need her help from time to time. like most of the women in my life...life to her is a big t.v. show...about her...that we are just supporting actors in. once we are offscreen we don't actually exist.

the odd thing about my life is that i help alot of people...and alot of people help me...but rarely is the same name on both lists. it all works out in the wash i guess...charma and whatever.

i think that the bottom line here is...leaving me a birthday gift was an asshole move. it's either meant to stir something up or prove that there is nothing to stir up. also...that fact that the divorced broad once again and as usual was nowhere to be found when i needed her makes her an asshole. so that's two divorced women who are assholes...i think i see a pattern forming. a pattern that no doubt leads to me being an asshole as well.

which brings me to a often asked question - you get into alot of personal stuff on your blog, and there are two ways of looking at things, aren't you afraid you might seem like an asshole one of these times?- no...i'm not concerned with SEEMING like an asshole...i'm concerned with BEING an asshole. see this is why you make sure you have friends...because sometimes when you are BEING an asshole you can't see it yourself and have to be told by someone else. so if you spend all day trying not to look like an asshole you avoid all possibility of someone stopping you from turning into one...that's good advice people, use it.

honestly though, i don't feel like the asshole this time...i feel like a grown up surrounded by children.

but stay tuned for thursdays blog in which i will be the asshole...

comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

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