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might as well lay back and enjoy it...

This Blog has always been simply what's on my mind that i think might be entertaining or interesting. now i haven't blogged in awhile because only two things have been on my mind 1-holidays and there existence making me want to kill myself ...which i figured was probably getting old and 2-football which makes the female readership immediately click to something else.

this always makes me sad and a little confused. football is an emotional sport, being a fan brings out emotions ...women are emotional animals...why the disconnect? I think i may have figured it out. It's not that they don't understand it, or can't figure it out because they are very adept at figuring out other complex things. I think perhaps it is because the level and degree of emotion involved in sports while euphoric and maddening for men is child's play for women. They deal with emotions all the time they attach emotions to many many things and they...much to our torture, set up very complex and involved and meaningful emotions to things, events, misspoken words, off the cuff comments with skill and percision unmatched by any man. so to them, rooting for a football team is like playing a 16 bit video game, boring, remedial, beneath their abilities.

I am going to try to change that here by putting the best foot forward for the NFL playoffs. I'm going to lay out the personalities for you ladies and perhaps you can enjoy some of the games by rooting for someone who reminds you of your grandfather or rooting against the guy who reminds you off a jerk off ex-boyfriend.

game 1 New York Jets vs New England Patriots, 4:30 p.m. (ET), sunday CBS

The jets are coached by a fat bragadost blowhard who constantly shoots off his mouth and is better suited to manage a pro wrestler than a football team. The jets backed into the playoffs by beating enough bad teams early to still have a good record even though they lost the majority of the second half of season. they cheat, they are jerks, they are classless and by all accounts don't deserve to be there. Just last week the hated jets beat favorite son, clean cut all around classy guy Peyton Manning who had most of his team on the bench because of injuries. Despite a heroic effort, the NFL's closest thing to a hero fell to the blowhard because of dumb luck. the bad guy slithered into a victory and claimed it was skill and superiority.

now if this was a boring hollywood movie they would be facing a team of classy guys coached by a grandfatherly like figure. and it would be hero vs villian...yawn...BUT this is the NFL and as a reward for beating the hero they now get to face my favorite team the New England Patriots.

They are coached by an evil,ruthless, vulcan, mastermind who has won the super bowl three times. Bill Belichick is the coach's name and he has been fined for cheating as well. Now bill doesn't cheat by having his guys on the sideline hit opposing players when they step out of bounds or silly thuggish nonsense like Bill had guys in the stands with super powered cameras reading the lips of the opposing coaches and reading their plays off the play cards they hold. Belichick eats sleeps and breaths football and spends as near as anyone can tell 23 hours a day in his secret laboratory dissecting the other team down to their ancestors DNA. He doesn't just know that your quarter back likes to throw short passes to his left when he's under pressure, he knows your quarter back has kidney stones, he knows how many there are and how long into the game it will be before he needs to go to the bathroom. and then he instructs his players to attack him from that side so that every step is excruciatingly painful. If Bill was in the Karate Kid he wouldn't have had Johnny sweep the leg, he would have had Johnny murder his mother and then screen print a picture of her on the mat. Belichick doesn't just beat teams...he crushes them. the last time the jets faced the patriots the jets lost by over thirty points. no real shame in that as MOST teams loss to the patriots by 30 points or more. they are the death star of the NFL and when their icey shadow is hovering over your stadium all is lost. so this is a scenario of a bad guy facing a worse bad guy. this is the guy who shot bambi's mother facing Darth Vader. and i cannot wait! on a side note the dopey coach from the jets decided to drag out the old "it's personal" card during a press conference in hopes of getting into Billachecks head ...i assure you lard ass with Belichick EVERY game is personal because he doesn't think any of you deserve to be on the same field as his team...and he may be correct.

2 Green Bay Packers vs. Atlanta Falcons, 8:00 p.m. (ET), Saturday, FOX

this is another game of similar adversaries. the Packers are still living under the shadow of their former quarterback Brett Farve, a THREE time league MVP and a lock to be in the hall of fame. Brett and the packers went their separate ways with many hard feelings and much of packer nation is still angry at the decision to trade him away. Thus this team and their new QB have a sizeable monkey on their backs to at least get farther into the playoffs than Farve did just last year with his new team the Vikings...(two years after the the packers management said Farve was to old to play.)

no such drama on the other team but they do have a chip on their shoulder as everyone seems to forget about them, over look them, or not take them very seriously. they have no real brand name super stars and even i couldn't tell you their coaches name. this is a contest of two teams with something to prove.

3 Seattle Seahawks vs. Chicago Bears, 1:00 p.m. (ET), Sunday, FOX

Again two teams of similar personality. neither of these teams deserve to be in the playoffs. The bears have a strong defense and an AWFUL offense, more than anything they are just lucky. they had an easy schedule and the few good teams they faced just happened to have allot of injuries at the time they played. the seahawks are flat out awful. they are in the playoffs because the rest of their division is worse. this might be the worst played, coached, and managed game of football in the playoffs in years. the only reason to watch this is for the pure folly of it, and to see who gets to lose next week.

4 Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers, 4:30 p.m. (ET), Saturday, CBS

i would recommend you don't watch this one. it's two teams with high powered defenses which for the casual fan means BORING. BUT i will give you a brief background in an attempt to give it some drama for you. the steelers quarterback was suspended for several games because of alleged sexual assault. he's what we know- he went to some college bar, threw a bunch of money around, flashed his super bowl ring and had his body guards stand outside of the men's bathroom while he had his way with starry eyed drunk college girls. so if you are a woman and want to root against someone for taking advantage of women the root for the ravens to plant the steelers QB into the turf. Also, if you're an average guy who resents people from higher on the perceived food chain swooping in and poaching girls you are interested in then, again root for the ravens. keep in mind though that Rothslesburger the QB in question is like 6' 6" and 250 pounds and defense linemen bounce of him like birds against a semi. is the last thing you need to know. the NFL has a certain language that confuses the shit out of all women and many men who are new to the game. The term "down" as in "third down and 10" simply means "try". when your team gets the ball they get four "tries/downs" to move the ball ten yards. if they do then they get four more tries to get ten more yards and so on until they fail or get a touchdown. why they say "down" instead of "try" or "attempt" i will never understand but that's what they do. SO "first and 10" means this is their first "try" and they have ten yards to go.

my predictions, in case you're interested are as follows.

Patriots beat the Jets

Packers beat the Falcons

Seahawks beat the Bears

Pittsburgh beats the Ravens

i think the most exciting game will be the Packers vs the Falcons, but i personally am going to watch and cheer for every ball crushing, soul sapping, career ruing play of the Patriots/Jets game as my man Belichick humiliates the entire Jets organization...because...i'm a jerk and i like to see the bigger jerk win AND i admire people who dedicate themselves to their craft, whether they are illustrators, musicians, or even football coach's.

let the games begin!!

comments? concerns?




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