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A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER
An open letter to the leaders of Iran
I'm not taking you seriously, because...i'm not taking you seriously
Could you guys do us and yourselves a favor and just fuck off for awhile? hmmm? could you do that? I mean, all these threats and saber rattling and beating the war drums is good for a laugh on a slow news day but we're kinda busy right now. we have an economic crisis, we have a presidential election coming up, we are busy watching our civil liberties get stripped away...we don't have time for your little tantrum today.
yes yes i know, we are all going to pay, our sons and daughters will be dispatched to hell and blah blah blah... I don't know how long you've been paying attention but let me run down the last four decades for you. We had the big scary soviet union locked in an arms race with us, poised to wipe us out with their big scary nukes...then the cold war ended and we found out their nukes were made out of old tractor parts and possibly spent/useless uranium. Then we had the first gulf war where the big scary republican guard was going to grind us into dust in urban combat...that lasted a whole two months before our flag was in Sadams asshole. Then we had the big scary taliban in the awful scary Afghanistan mountains where nobody ever ever ever wins...yeah...we made them go by by. THEN we had the second gulf war where we were told "the rivers will run red with our blood", which always confused me because isn't a key element to being a desert that you don't have allot of water i.e. "rivers"? Anyhow Gulf war Part II "this time we mean it!" took about a week. Sadam is dead and so are all his a-hole kids. And now here you are...
We've been through this over and over and over...it's fucking boring already. You know what you're are like? You're like the drunken suburban prom queen who's throwing her legs open without asking the guy to use protection and thinking "oh...those bads things only happen to other people." You're going to yap yap yap and threaten and fire warning shots and force us to break all your shit, and then we are going to have to hear about how we always butt into other countries business and we're evil imperialists and so on. Killing you just isn't worth the bad press at this point.
Lets be frank shall we? there isn't a soul on this earth in his right mind who believes you would survive any conflict with the U.S. and that includes Russia and China who are backing you simply for the sake of standing up to us in hopes of feeling relevant enough to get an erection. Check the tale of the tape, Russia lost half the launch codes to it's tractor part infused nuclear arsenal and the winds from the middle east blow right into their own backyard anyway...so they won't be dropping any nukes near the middle east in your defense. China can't get a missile out of their own parking lot and their navy isn't just pathetic compared to ours...it's pathetic compared to our Mississippi steamboat replica/floating gambling casinos. And don't get me started on air superiority. People here used to see UFO's and think they must be alien tech because they were so fast and maneuverable, now they assume UFO's are alien craft because they are too fucking slow to be one of our jets. If you actually have time to take a picture of it, it ain' t one of ours. You start a conflict with us and we'll win, ask Hitler (oh wait he's dead) or Mussolini (ops dead too) or Sadam Hussien (dead..see a pattern yet?) or osama bin laden ( fuck, a good percentage of us don't even think he attacked us and he killed him. Did he cause 9-11? "well...see the thing is.." too late he's dead!) That's what we do , we invent stuff and kill people. It's right on our business card - U.S.A. invent stuff, kill people, argue about sexuality. we'd be more than happy just doing the other two so...lay off.
We're busy. Go have a tantrum and lock horns with some third world country and get a few wins under your belt. Lybia is a mess...go fire a warning shots there way, because even if...by some divine intervention...you managed to build and set off a nuke before some U.S. troops kick your door in and screw the barrel of an m-16 into your ear, our president has this red button in his desk. The button is labeled "we win", and when he pushes it the top twenty feet of Iranian soil turn into pixie dust and floats into the upper atmosphere. And then we all have to get markers out and color blue in where your country used to be. The real problem is then going to how to get your oil ...we're all in a tizzy about off shore drilling because of the whole BP spill. Plus I don't feel like pumping gas into my car that's going to cause my kids to have three heads.
Look i'm saying this for your benefit not mine, It's an election year and you can bet your wife's mustache that the President will push the "we win" button before he reinstates the draft. Also I live in Milwaukee, You'd have to got through like seven states or canada before you got to me. You ever been to Canada ? It's fuckin cold! Colder than it is here and that's pretty cold. You think you can hit me with an AK when it's too cold to feel your hands? I was born here I can get by, but you're going from 99 degree weather to minus 5 degree weather...have fun with that
In closing I would like to add that we are in a recession and trying to cut back on expenses. One of these times the President is going to run out of letterhead and won't be able to send another memo to Israel asking them not to liquefy your ass. We don't send that sort of thing on regular paper, it would be an insult to everyone involved, and that fancy letter head with the raised seal of the U.S. on it costs money to reprint. The nukes on the other hand are already paid for. You don't want to be liquefied because of an unfortunate clerical cutback do you?
To summarize the reasons your should shut up and go away.
1-we are busy
2-you can't win
3- you are taking time away from us being uptight about sexuality
4-you have nothing to gain but frost bite
5- you're making us waste paper and kill trees...now that i think about it that's bad for the environment. so you won't even have the liberals on your side.
I think I have made my point.
Thanks in advance.