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 A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

     

It came without ribbon or buttons or bows

One thing that generally annoys me is when ugly people are happy. See it's like this, life isn't they way we were told in fairy tales by well meaning grown ups. What's inside doesn't matter, people treat you based on how you look. Success matters, looks matter, how you dress matters ...these are undeniable truths that actual life regularly teaches us that fly in the face of all that happy assed nonsense they tried to pump into our yet uncongealed brains as children about true happiness.

I have come to accept this and so i have made myself moderately successful, through a hiccup in the family genes i'm good looking...well not classically good looking but the is a sort of attractive quality in my grimace...and yet for the most part i'm a miserable guy much of the time. So when i see ugly and or fat people wandering around with a smile on their face seemingly oblivious or unconcerned with their unsightly physical malidities, it annoys me. Perhaps it annoys me because somewhere in my brain my foundation is shaken. perhaps ...perhaps all that crap were taught is true and that what matters is love, and being loved, and family and friends...the very thought makes my blood run cold. I feel myself break out into a cold sweat at the thought that having a good heart and putting people first is the real key to happiness. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS! I am successful, good looking, in shape and respected by people who only know me on a professional level and through the spectrum of my own blogs. By all rights i should be happy and these bloated malfigured wretches should walk past with their heads down with one hand covering their face.

And yet they don't. Somehow they are able to walk past their own reflection in the mirror and see a genetically challenged "person" who has let cheese in all it's forms ravage it's body to the point that a customized walk is necessary to get one leg to squeeze past the other while still not swinging so far out that is comes unattached from the hipbone. It is all i can do to stop myself from grabbing them by the collar and screaming "STOP SMILINIG! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW FAT AND UGLY YOU ARE!! NO ONE WILL EVER TRUELY LOVE YOU!...sure you may get married or whatever but only to someone with no other options because they are equally ugly. You'll never know if they would leave you if they became attractive somehow and were able to pick from higher up on the food chain. They love you by default...they love you for what's inside because that ALL YOU HAVE! One day someone will love me again and it won't be because of silly crap like having a good heart or being kind or any of that other shit you cling to when you have nothing else to offer the world." That's what i'd like to say...i'd set them straight for certain.

But something always stops me ...i hesitate each time as a little voice in my brain points out the bitter truth. perhaps there really is more to this person than outward appearence...and perhaps that IS what truly matters in the end. It's a hard lesson, that this ugly person is happy when i'm not because of a quality i don't have and need to start paying more attention to...perhaps...he's rich.

Not just well off, but filthy rich, so rich that people can look past his outer appearance and accept that his personality and heart are all you're going to get out of the relationship.

Fine.

But then someone explain to me this homeless bum that won't leave me alone. He's on the corner every day...all day it seems. He is disgusting and grizzled. He has a beard that was once white but is now yellowed, sort of a shade of urine somewhere between "i just drank allot of tea" and "one cup off coffee won't hurt"...sort of a pale weak yellow not unlike the pages of an old book. He sits on the bus stop and the sun bakes his leathery puss, and the wind blows dust all over him and he sits there...AND SMILES! AND WHISTLES! and says "hello" to passers by with a joyful cadence like Santa Clause catching a child watching him from the top of the stairs. His eyes twinkle, he EXUDES cheer. And every day he says "hello" to me with a smile and every day i tell him to "fuck off", or give him the finger, or just glare at him. It drives me MAD! How can he possibly be happy!? HOW? he has NOTHING! he is DISGUSTING! If he ever had loved ones he doesn't now. My blood boils more and more every time i see him. He doesn't smell like booze so that's not it. He certainly doesn't have money for drugs. Yet he is genuinely happy and at peace.

Then it dawns on me, this homeless jerk, the fat, the ugly, all have something in common- they are all driving me crazy. that's when i have to deal with the fact that it isn't them it's me. They are happy and that makes me mad. The problem is i forgot the simple key to true happiness somewhere along the way, and they didn't. And i thank them for reminding me. It's not that they are good people, or are simply born with a good disposition, or did and had things in the past that they can hold onto with pride even as they wait for the grim reaper to come to their bus stop with a bar of soap, they are happy because... they are assholes! assholes that drive me crazy. See the knowledge that they are ruining my day brings them joy somehow. This is the key, we can't all be pretty, or rich, or successful, but we can all annoy our fellow man. These people have found the path to happiness is ruining other peoples happiness. Lost in all my concern about looks, and success and money was the simple peace of mind and happiness that come from making someone else as miserable as you are...even if it's just for a short time.

Sadly it's a lesson some of us never learn. Now if you'll excuse me i'm going to go to the laundry mat and blow cigarette smoke into peoples dryers.

 

douglaspasz@gmail.com

www.arseniclullabies.com


 

 

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