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 A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

 

        

worst blog ever .

 

I've gotten a little bored with blogging mostly because the podcast is more fun. I've written like three of them this week and i didn't feel any of them were worth posting. but i committed to doing one a week so i might as well do one that sucks, but at least interests me.

I like candy. i like lots of it and lots of different kinds. I can easily eat a pound a day. that's no exaggeration, a large bag of "red vines" is 12 ounces, and i can go through one of those and a couple of candy bars in a day no problem. This is rare among adults. usually, being a white male in the 24-36 demo, corporate america gives me whatever i want. but candy eating research doesn't even sniff at my age group so i constantly see things i like go away forever- the nestle quick candy bar, candy raisins, Gummy panda bears, laffy taffy in the square chunks, willy wonka constantly gives new candy a 6 month run....just long enough for me to start to like it, before it goes away.

"Stark" is a candy company that has lost all it's steam and has been discontinuing my favorites ...aside from the candy raisins they stopped making, they used to have a jujyfruit knock off that was far superior to actual jujy fruits. they were easier to chew and had more flavor, and their black jujyfruit knock off was actually grape flavored instead of liquorices flavored like the jujyfruit. Jujyfruit is actually a really overrated candy. aside from being way too had to chew, the flavors sucked. You had red and yellow which tasted like sugar, the green which tasted like mint and the black that tasted like black licorice. so you couldn't just take a handful and pop them in your mouth because you'd get a minty sugary licorice concoction that was just a little bit better tasting than old tobacco juice.

anyway all the candy i like gets replaced by super sour crap that 6 year olds like. see six year olds, while having an appreciation for candy, don't really have a desearning pallet. they are like 16 years getting a BJ. as long as the girls bobbing her head up and down their satisfied, while us guys who's been around the old candy cane lane a few times expect a little more.

About a year ago i learned that Harbiro was discontinuing it's root beer gummie bears, and it's superior brother the "fizzy root beer gummie bears" these are actually bottle shaped and you can still find them here and there...for now.

yes, this whole blog is about candy...no i am not using it as analogy for communism or the publishing industry. I am not going to make a hard right turn at the end and you realize i was talking about marriage the whole time. this is about candy...you my stop reading at any point...

SO, when i walked into the store the other day and saw a "new" product from "trolli" called "soda poppers" i was stoked! the package boasted FIVE different gummie soda like flavors-cola, cherry cola, root beer, orange soda, and lemon lime. Trolli apparently had picked up where Haribo left off! I snatched up the bag and started eating them on the way home.

First off they weren't shaped like soda bottles they were shaped like soda cans...or that's what they were supposed to be. they basically were just little rectangles with "soda" impressed on them. we have the gummy technology now to shape these things like anything, octopuses, sharks, brains, sponge bob squarepants...yet these were just little rectangles. very disappointing.

Second except for the cola and root beer, they didn't taste like soda...at all! and they chewed way too easy. a weak chewing gummy that tastes like a fruit i can get anywhere, i expect a little more from the high end makers like Trollie, a gummy with some substance to it when you chew, and that tastes like something other than fruitish.

Look, you're TROLLI for fucks sake, gimmie a cool shape, you can't tell me Haribo patented the bottle shape so diligently that you couldn't come up with a bottle shape that was different enough to get by. and as long as you have the fizzy flavor, why not put that in ALL of the "soda poppers" flavors...OR just get rid of the Orange, lime, and Cherry. For that matter why even make an "orange soda" flavor? who the fuck drinks orange soda anyway? Is there an "orange" in the soda fountain at Burger King or Taco Bell? can you order "orange soda" at the movies? NO! why? because no one drinks it...it's shit. actually, i'm wrong, little kids drink orange soda, because they don't know any better. but there you go, if you are an adult who likes candy you are stuck eating what 6 year olds like. It's depressing. I think i'm going to write a letter. i guess i already did. I'm just going to take this blog and rewrite it in crayon and send it to Trolli, voicing my disapproval. Look when i go to the store and buy 2 pounds of candy and brave the suspicious looks of the other shoppers who think i'm buying this to lure children into a van, i at least want the candy to be worth it. and the Trolli soda poppers were not.

I have created a rating system for candy and i give this product 1 1/2 suspicious looking vans out of a possible five suspicious looking vans.

 

comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

www.arseniclullabies.com


 

 

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